Lyrics to Novel Writing

1st Announcer (Eric Idle): And now it's time for "Novel

Writing" which today comes from the west country from

Dorset.



2nd Announcer (Michael Palin): (sound of a crowd in the

background) Hello and welcome to Dorchester where a

very good crowd has turned out to watch local boy

Thomas Hardy write his new novel "The Return of the

Native" on this very pleasant July morning. This will

be his eleventh novel and the fifth of the very popular

Wessex novels….and here he comes! Here comes Hardy

walking out toward his desk, he looks confident, he

looks relaxed; very much the man in form as he

acknowledges this very good natured Bank Holiday crowd.

And the crowd goes quiet now as Hardy settles himself

down at the desk, body straight, shoulders relaxed, pen

held lightly but firmly in the right hand, he dips the

pen...in the ink and he’s off! Its the first word, but

it is not a word….. oh no, its a doodle way up on top

of the left hand margin. It is a piece of meaningless

scribble, and he’s signed his name underneath it... oh

dear, what a disappointing start, but he is off again

and he goes the first word of Thomas Hardy’s new novel,

at 10:35 on this very lovely morning, it’s three

letters it’s the definite article and it’s THE, Dennis



Dennis (Graham Chapman): Well, this is true to form; no

surprises there. He started five of his eleven novels

to date with the definite article. We’ve had two of

them with 'it', there's been one 'but', two 'at's, one

'on' and a 'Delores'. Oh, that, of course, was never

published.



2nd Announcer: I'm sorry to interrupt you there,

Dennis, but he’s crossed it out. Thomas Hardy on the

first day of his new novel has crossed out the only

word he has written so far and he's gazing off into

space….Ohh! Oh dear, he’s signed his name again.



Dennis: It looks like Tess of the d'Urbervilles all

over again.



2nd Announcer: But he's..No..he's down again and

writing, Dennis. He’s written THE again, he’s crossed

it out again and he has written A and there is a second

word coming up straight away, it's SAT, a sat, doesn’t

make sense, a sat, a Saturday, it is a SATURDAY and the

crowd are loving it. They're really enjoying this novel

and it’s AFTERNOON, a Saturday afternoon, is a

confident beginning and he is straight on to the next

word and it's IN, a Saturday afternoon, IN, in, in,…no,

NOVEMBER, November's spelt wrong, he has left out the

second E, but he’s not going back! It looks as though

he is going for the sentence and it is the first verb

coming up, the first verb of the novel and it's WAS,

and the crowd are going wild! A Saturday afternoon in

November was, and a long word here , appro, is it

approval, no, it’s APPROACHING, a Saturday afternoon in

November was approaching and he has done the definite

article THE again and he is writing fluently, easily

with flowing strokes of the pen as he comes up to the

middle of this first sentence and with this eleventh

novel well underway and the prospect of a good day's

writing ahead, back to the studio.