My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount

What am I supposed to do?

I’m up the creek but never mind the paddle, boy

I haven’t even got a canoe





I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll

I went to hell on a red skidoo

I did the Shake ‘n’ Vac and broke my fucking back

And now my library books are nine weeks overdue





Knock knock, who’s there?

The patron saint of Llandudno

The patron saint of Llandudno who?

Tony Bastable!





You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours

And I’ll be in heaven before you

I love you because you look like Jim Reeves