(Spoken)
I believe in the zodiac! Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic
This is something morbidly ironic: my grandmother was a cancer, and she was killed by a giant crab
This is a song about the idea of irony, so strap in!

(Singing)
My dog's stomach was very upset
So we put him in the car
And we went to the vet
And on our way to the vet
I killed a cat

I say
Isn't that ironic?

I adopted a child from overseas
To rescue him from child labor factories
And on his very first birthday
We went to Build-A-Bear workshop

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

Yes
And a waterpark is burned to the ground
And a tow truck is broken down
I always used to cry when I laughed
But then I was raped by a clown

I was watching Al Gore on CNN
He was talking and talking and talking, and then
Out of boredom
My pet polar bear shot himself

I dated an animal rights activist
One day she got really pissed
Because I was eating veal
That was wrapped in PETA bread
Get it? Because pita... fuck it

I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

Yeah, I said
I'm a stand-up comic
But I always sit and slouch
And I got my girlfriend pregnant
On my sterile uncle's pull out couch

I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C, Ironic

Yeah
If everyday you play the board game RISK
You've probably never taken a risk in your life
And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold
On the board game market

And a little kid died from
Suffocation
When he choked on a game piece from
Operation

And I can't grow a beard
But that one's not ironic
That one's just sad
Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

My grandfather had Alzheimer's
And one day we were...