You guys, I, uh, got a fresh haircut.

(audience cheers)

Thank you. Thank you. I got a fresh haircut. It was one of those emergency haircuts. You know, like on a Monday, you wake up and you're like,"Huh, maybe I'll, maybe I'll grow my hair back out again. Maybe I'll do that thing. I used to have it kinda shaggy, in college, back in two thousand...(mumbles inaudibly)"

(audience laughs)

"I had a lot of fun. It was shaggy then. It was super. Yeah, maybe I'll do that." That's Monday morning, then on Tuesday morning you are like, "What is on my head?"

(audience laughs)

"This is insane. I look like a discarded Q-tip on the street. What's happening up here?"

(audience laughs)

So I started texting my barber, uh, cause our relationship is on that level. Texting my barber. And his name is Pony. That's how cool I am.

(audience laughs)

His name is Pony. So I'm texting him frantically, trying to get an appointment to get my hair cut. It was a bit of a "Pony Express" situation.

(audience laughs and cheers. applause break.)

He gave me an appointment, sat down, got in the chair, started cutting my hair. He was back there. He goes, "Ooh, got some sparkles!" I was like, "I mean, I did work out yesterday, what's happening?" And he was like, "Oh no, you have some uh, some grey hair coming in." I was like, "That is the weirdest way of telling someone their time on earth is getting shorter. I like your style."

(audience laughs)

And I don't mind getting some grey hair. I actually hope I get a ton of grey hair, because then I hope that means no one will think I'm an unaccompanied minor everywhere that I go.

(audience laughter and applause)

I got on a plane, sat down, and the flight attendant came over and she asked for the order next to me, and then she got to me and she was like, "Hi there young man. What can I get for ya?" So my new response in these situations, because its been happening this whole time, whole time I've been around, its been happening. My response now, especially on planes, small room, usually lasts like four hours, I just said "I'm a woman!"

(audience laughter and applause)

Yeah, sometimes I just enter rooms like that. I just, (mock kicks in door) "I'm a woman! Hello. You have fun." Get on a bus, "I'm a woman, yes!" She got so embarrassed and I understand, you know, she like got called out for something. She was really just trying to be nice. I was like, "I'm a woman" and she was like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and I was like, "It's OK, it's a long flight, I just wanted to let you know right up top. Let's just get it out of the way."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "Seriously, it's alright." And she kept apologizing, she's like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! It's just, it's just your haircut, and your clothing, and your general demeanor, and your..." And I was like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

(audience laughs)

"Please do not like give me a Dead Sea scroll of every reason why..."

(audience laughs)

My other favorite new thing with flight attendants is that now that I get on flights, I got married recently...

(audience cheers)

so now they like, notice the ring cause its on my hand, and my hands are on a table and they're like, "Oh, who's the lucky..."

(audience laughs)

"Lady"

"Lady! Of course! Yes, that's right. I just, (cough sounds) I have a cough."

(audience laughs)

That's my new favorite one. This other flight attendant once, she was telling jokes, as flight attendants do, on the flight, and at the end she was standing, you know, at the whatever, at the door and all these people, the crew was giving her this hard time about her jokes because she's known as a jokester. And I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna pay it forward. I'm like Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, whatever. I'm gonna pay some, put a little good karma out into the world. I'm gonna go tell her I liked her jokes." I liked her jokes. So I walked up and I said to her, I was like, "Hey, that was pretty funny" and she was like, "See, this kid gets it."

(audience laughs)

So I sold her a newspaper. (mocks throwing a newspaper with sound effect)

(audience laughs)