I been listening to Silverchair, now, I wish I was a freak
Been reading The River Ophelia, I'd love a masochistic streak
But I am just a normal guy, I even use a capital 'S'
Why, I'd rather tell the papers that I secretly crossdress
Women Who Run With Men Who Hate Wolves just left me unimpressed
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

To get anywhere these days it seems a problem's a necessity
Your father's gay, heroin's passé, just another fashion accessory
I tried recovered memory, but that put me in a bind
'Cause I became hypnotically aware my dad was really kind
You might have once been traumatised, but we're not all similarly blessed
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

I went along to the men's movement – "Stop crying, girl," they'd shout
Steve Biddulph, who wrote that Manhood book, got up and punched my fucking lights out
I went along to the women's room but all I did was get it wrong
I told 'em "Smack Your Bitch Up" was my current favourite song
"But The Prodigy's so confronting," I tried vainly to protest
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

I lied to the gambling helpline, said I'd made my family poor
When I asked what chance recovery, they quoted me 9/4
I rang that Alan Jones guy up, but he couldn't help me either
"You a battler or a bludger?" he said; it turns out, I was neither
"Come back when you're a stereotype if you wanna be in the press"
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

Finally I told the wife the reason I'd been so undemanding
And what was worse, she took it well, and was totally understanding
Those self-destructing relationships are simply too much fuss
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Huh, I gotta say, not us
Would you believe I like my kids? Can you get more mentally messed?
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

Why is it just so hard for me to take things way too far?
I'd like to travel beyond good and evil, but first I gotta wash the car
I'd like to get a nipple ring and connect it to my dodger
But somehow it just doesn't seem to suit a bloke whose name is Roger
I'd be a member of the underclass, but they'd laugh at how I dressed
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

Oh well, so it looks like I got to give up my dream of joining the Bad Seeds
Those guys can't handle confronting concepts, like "thanks" and "please"
Sneaking 16 things in the "12 items only" aisle will be my biggest sin
It's the shopping center of modern consciousness that I will stay trapped in
I buy my junk from off the streets – I find the Trading Post's the best:
I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed

I just know I can't be creative – why? I'm not depressed enough
Yet I wish I was the guy who wrote "If You're Creative, Get Stuffed"
There's a competition going to have the most painful lives
But the pain you feel from nine to five I guess don't qualify
Your life might be miserable, but that don't stop your art from being crappier
I'm sure that I would be more depressed if I wasn't happier