As recorded at Las Vegas in June, 1955



My family has traditions

I've heard them a thousand times

My relatives were not excessively bright

They love to go off on missions

To rather peculiar climes

And lead the wretched heathens to the light

A few of them got beaten up

In course of these rampages

My dear Aunt Maud got eaten up

While singing "Rock of Ages."

These family expeditions

Admittedly are a bore

But there is just one uncle

That I positively adore



Poor Uncle Harry

Wanted to be a missionary

So he took a ship and sailed away

This visionary

Hotly pursued by dear Aunt Mary

Found a South Sea Isle on which to stay

The natives greeted them kindly and invited them to dine

On yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine

The taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine



Poor Uncle Harry

Got a bit gay and longed to tarry

This, Aunt Mary couldn't quite allow

She lectured him severely on a number of church affairs

But when she'd gone to bed he made a getaway down the stairs

For he longed to find the answer to a few of the maiden's prayers

Uncle Harry's not a missionary now



Poor Uncle Harry

After a chat with dear Aunt Mary

Thought the time had come to make a row

He lined up all the older girls in one of the local sheds

And while he was reviling them, and tearing himself to shreds

They took their Mother Hubbards off and tied them around their heads

Uncle Harry's not a missionary now—

He's awfully happy—

But he's certainly not a missionary now!



Now Uncle was just a 'seeker'

A 'dreamer' sincerely blest

Of this there couldn't be a shadow of doubt

The fact that his flesh was weaker

Than even Aunt Mary guessed

Took even her some time to figure out

In all those languid latitudes

The atmosphere's exotic

To take up moral attitudes

Would be too idiotic

Though nobody could be meeker

Than Uncle had been before

I bet today he's giving way

At practically every pore!



Poor Uncle Harry

Having become a missionary

Found the natives' morals rather crude

He and Aunt Mary

Quickly imposed an arbitrary

Ban upon them shopping in the nude

They all considered this silly and they didn't take it well

They burned his boots and several suits and wrecked the Mission Hotel

They also burnt his mackintosh, which made a disgusting smell



Poor Uncle Harry

After some words with dear Aunt Mary

Called upon the chiefs for a pow-wow

They didn't brandish knives at him, they really were awfully sweet

They made concerted dives at him and offered him things to eat

But when they threw their wives at him he had to admit defeat

Uncle Harry's not a missionary now



Poor dear Aunt Mary

Though it were revolutionary

Thought her time had come to take a bow

Poor Uncle Harry looked at her, in whom he had placed his trust

His very last illusion broke and crumbled away to dust

For she'd placed a flower behind her ear and frankly...exposed... her bust

Uncle Harry's not a missionary now—

He's left the island—

But he's certainly not a missionary now