I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you
Yeah like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kinda proof

And I want you

Like JFK wanted a car with a roof



Because love is taking that dive then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool

And love is a real life porn, minus all the stuff that makes porn cool

And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and

Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and

Even though hes heartbroken he can't complain cause he was hungry in the first place



Because I love you like Dora loves maps

Like the pope's toilet loves holy craps (It's a little one)

I need you like a voyeur needs a branch

Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland Ranch



And I want you yeah like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform

And I want you like Ann Frank wanted nobody to read her Fucking diary

Cause a diary's a collection of secret things no one's supposed to read that's the whole point of a diary

Millions of people have breached this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazi's kick her while she's down



And if we met in 10000 BC I was your caveman you's my cavelady

If we got hot we'd start rubbin

If we got hungry we'd go clubbin

There's woolly mammoths but I will protect us your making me devolve to a homoerectus



And if we met in 1780 I was a white Southern Aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady...Slave

Whenever I could get away from the Mrs. I'd go to your shit and then I'd steal you kisses

But lets be serious I'd still work you full time as a slave there's a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socioeconomic trends



And if we met in 1941

I was a Nazi you's a Gypsy on the run (That's a little redundant)

That, probably wouldn't have worked out (Ok...)



Because love is your favorite food for every breakfast lunch and dinner

And love is the holocaust if you don't die quick and you don't get thinner

And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles

And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to decrease the rate of rape

Now you don't want to decrease it at all cause if the rape rate declines you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales

Without rapists who's gonna buy your whistles?

Yeah love is all about........Whistles





(Thanks to Wolf for these lyrics)